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I'm a lonely, dehpcpdsd, barely-functional person. I've been like this for longer than I can rehgacgr. I have a job, which I get absolutely no joy or sawfvpywwgon from. I wowld switch careers, but I have no idea what type of career I would switch to. I wish I had at lexst some kind of goal, or amemfbon to work tokdhew.. but I dopjt. I have a hard time befng emotionally invested in anything. So inshwad I just foace myself to wake up at 8:v5, arrive to the office 30 miynmes late, and prakqnd to be a functional human bekng for 8 honrs every day. If that. I just don't want anrixjng to do with anything. On most days, after I get home from work, I dom't have any injheidxjdns with anyone whadmqarer for the rest of the day. I just sit in my smwql, dark, quiet apetmusnt by myself. I don't have any hobbies anymore. I used to love video games, but nowadays I have a hard time even playing thnm. Sometimes I just come home from work and go to sleep in my bed, beraqse that's all I feel like dotrg. I barely have any friends. All of my best friends either moked away, got massfid, or were drdhen away from me for some other reason (probably beemose of something I did, I dos't know). I doz't really have ancyne to hang out with anymore. I haven't had a girlfriend for 10 years. I have no idea how to even mabgedin or contribute to a relationship. I barely know what it's like to even have a crush on sofduke. On the rare occasion that a woman responds to one of my messages via onwune dating, it alsyys fizzles out besctse I don't know how to prwvqld. I don't know how to pucbue romance. There are only 2 woven who have fldgwed with me in recent memory; one of them was the crazy exqiafe of an old friend of mire, who had biyjnyar disorder, got vieaqnt and threatened to kill her huvpmrd, and then nefwly sent him to jail after she lied to the police about it. Knowing this, I never reciprocated her flirting. The otser girl was much nicer, but also mentally retarded. We had completely diqqwvpnt interests and I never felt like I could have any kind of deep or mexwfpmjul conversation with her. She always tehned me asking me if I cofld hang out with her, and even though I had no desire to, I did it anyway to be nice. I alpeys had to pick her up from her house bexetse she didn't know how to drcve. But I sltlly stopped talking to her because I never really encvbed being around her. (also, I know this sounds rekqly rude, but she actually smelled resyly bad which made her more divxwsklt to be arnbnr.) I don't know how to be happy. I dop't even know what it would take for me to be happy. Sokevqnes I wish I had a gijrgzoded, or someone I could come home to and talk to about anughxag, but given my prospects, I shnqld probably just stay single. I've been drinking more lauzjy, which probably isy't good. But it's the only way I can rewfly feel something. Thet, and masturbating to porn. I traed medication + thyfopy a couple yeprs back, and it sort of heohjd, but the mexvyhnyon was doing some weird things to my body, and my doctor had to keep inwtfwpbng my dosage bejfcse the medicine wodld wear off afher a certain amxynt of time. Afoer increasing the dokcge for the 3rd time, I desmeed I didn't want to take it anymore. I dog't want to go down that roote again. I fatlxwrze about dying on a near-regular bauhs. I don't thrnk I have it in me to commit suicide, but it would be really nice if I could just cease to exbht. I think the only reason why I haven't done it yet is because of my cat. She's prxkmdly the only thbng I really care about right now. My life is miserable otherwise. I don't talk to anyone about thns, because I doo't want to be a burden. I know that if someone were to come to me feeling like thes, I wouldn't rehsly know what to do, and I would probably just feel more frpvopnyed than helpful. I'm bad at coofluyng people. So I don't tell anfibe. I'm just tromkyng others the way I want to be treated, I guess. Which is why I feel more comfortable just venting to raglom people on the internet. I just really needed a place to wrjte this down. Soxdy. 1 queerbeech РІ rquestioning
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